Journaling: Loneliness

The past few months have been very long and the past few days very cold. Somehow, it seems, I never realized that the cold is so much sharper when you're alone. I know I still have friends here, I'm lucky enough to have Bill, and my family is usually always available to keep me company, but in spite of these things I find myself inescapably lonely.

Last night, I went to a party at the old Denniston house. I hadn't seen Kristina, Imanta, or Nivi for some time, so it was good to see them, but what struck me the most was seeing the old house and all its changes. That house was, really, my first true home away from home. I lived there for more than a year and had a really wonderful time. I know the during our time there, I sometimes thought we should get out more and be more externally social, but I really adore my old roommates. And I miss them. Jake, Marcelius, and Josh are probably the closest I've ever had to brothers, and more to the point, they were as much a part of Denniston's being home as the house itself. Now that I live alone, seeing the old place just made me remember so much of what I used to have, and so much of what I miss.

It didn't strike me so much when I first moved out - I think because I actually saw Jake pretty frequently and was at least hanging out with friends on a weekly basis. Now, it's late enough in the school semester for everyone I know who's still in school full time to be swamped, so I don't see them much. And I think it's worse because I'm worried. I have just shy of two weeks before I leave Pittsburgh for two months to go home and visit Gen in London. When I get home, odds are good that Jake won't live in the city anymore. I'll officially be the last of the Denniston four. I'll see them all again, and I expect it'll be a lot like old times when I do, but I just miss having that day to day security of someone to talk to. I miss procrastinating with endless games of Magic with Jake, I miss doing homework with Marcelius and watching football and terrible MTV shows, I miss Josh's blazing burritos, and our parties where I knew everyone and felt comfortable drinking, dancing, talking, and generally being a part of the social environment.

Now there are no parties, or if there are, I stand in a corner because I'm not drunk and don't know anyone there; my birthday 'party' was attended for its entire 5 minute duration by only two people, my boyfriend and my best friend. I suppose, I just have to be happy I have that much and at least have the memory of better times.